9 Months Since Weight Loss Surgery(RNY)

So, its been 9 months(1/28/2008) since I had weight loss surgery. In so many ways, I have changed. In so many ways, I don't see the change. Others see it, others comment on how different I look, how different my actions are, but..me? I still see that 315 lb, 5'3 woman staring at me in the mirror. I have lost now 111 lbs. That should make me happy, right?
And it does.

I have changed. I know that mentally. I am smaller. I can run now, not just walk on the treadmill. I can lift weights, I can exercise just like any other normal American. However, I still see that fat woman in the mirror. How can I say "fat"? Isn't that a hurtful word? Absolutely...but that is how I felt about myself. Hurtful, embarrassed, sad, and extremely depressed.

People can say that the surgery is "the easy way out" all they want...but they don't understand what big people deal with. Its not just the weight. Its the weight, its high blood pressure, its diabetes or the fear of developing it, its sleep apnea(a condition in which it is hard to sleep and if you do, you wake gasping for breath), its barely having the energy to make it down the hall. When you can understand that, when you have experienced that, then and only then can you say I took the easy way out.

Easy? I still have to work for every pound that I lose. I exercise at least an hour(at least I try to) every day. I eat around 900 to 1000 calories a day. My mind tells me that I want more..but my body knows better. It is a struggle, but I still do not regret my surgery. It was a blessing, and I would do it again in a minute.